25 Years Later: When One Day Changes the Roadmap of a Life

For those of us who were alive on September 11, 2001, it can be difficult to comprehend that a quarter of a century has passed. There are moments in history when we remember not only what happened, but where we were when we learned that it was happening. September 11 is one of those moments. We remember the images of airplanes, buildings, smoke and people running through streets covered in ash. We remember watching television screens trying to understand something that seemed impossible to comprehend. We remember firefighters, police officers, emergency workers and ordinary people running toward danger to help others escape it. Nearly 3,000 people were killed that day in New York, at the Pentagon and aboard Flight 93 in Pennsylvania. But, the story of September 11 did not end on September 11. In many ways, that is what twenty-five years of distance allows us to see more clearly.

The Lives That Continued After the Headlines Faded

When we commemorate September 11, we understandably remember those who died. Today, I also find myself thinking about everyone who had to wake up on September 12 and somehow begin figuring out how to live in a world that had changed overnight. There were spouses who suddenly became widows and widowers, and children who went to school that morning with two parents and ended the day having lost one of them. Parents lost sons and daughters. Families waited for telephone calls that never came, coworkers looked at empty desks, and firehouses mourned colleagues. Businesses disappeared, careers changed, neighborhoods changed, and families changed. Some people escaped the buildings and carried the memories of what they saw with them. Some first responders returned again and again to Ground Zero during rescue, recovery and cleanup efforts. Some people who lived, worked or attended school in Lower Manhattan breathed air filled with contaminants without knowing what those exposures might mean years later. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that approximately 400,000 people were exposed to toxic contaminants, physical hazards and intensely stressful conditions during and following the attacks. Decades later, thousands continue living with chronic physical and mental health conditions associated with those exposures, and more than 96,000 people have been diagnosed with physical or mental health conditions associated with exposure to the dust, smoke, debris and traumatic events of 9/11. The World Trade Center Health Program now serves nearly 150,000 members across all 50 states and U.S. territories. Twenty-five years later, September 11 is still changing lives.

Some Transitions Don't Happen All at Once

We often think of a life transition as having a beginning and an end. You lose a job, and then you find another one ... you move, and then you unpack ... you retire, and then you begin the next chapter ... but some transitions don't work that way. Sometimes an event happens in a matter of minutes, while its consequences continue unfolding for years. A person who survived September 11 may have initially dealt with trauma and grief, only to face respiratory disease or cancer years later. A spouse who survived the attacks may eventually become a caregiver. A child who lost a parent that day may experience the loss differently at 10, 20, 30 and 40 years old. A firefighter who spent months helping others may eventually become the person who needs help. Research continues to demonstrate just how long those effects can last. The World Trade Center Health Registry has followed more than 71,000 people exposed to the aftermath of September 11, and its research has documented respiratory illnesses, cancers, PTSD, depression and other conditions. Nearly 20 percent of adults exposed to the events have experienced symptoms of PTSD, and for some those symptoms have persisted for more than two decades. That is an important reminder about the nature of major life transitions: the event may have happened years ago while the transition is still happening today.

There Is No Universal Timeline for Grief

Twenty-five years can sound like a long time, but grief does not measure time the way a calendar does. Someone can build a new life, experience joy, raise children, change careers, travel, laugh, love and accomplish extraordinary things while still missing the person who should have been there to experience those things with them. Anniversaries can bring memories back with surprising clarity. A photograph can do it, a voice recording can do it, and so can a familiar song. A birthday, wedding, graduation, retirement or the birth of a grandchild can also do it. Grief can change over time without disappearing. That doesn't mean someone has failed to move forward, it means the person they lost mattered.

The Caregiving Story of September 11

There is another part of the September 11 story that deserves attention, particularly as the years pass: caregiving. Thousands of people exposed to the attacks and their aftermath are now living with chronic illnesses. Behind many of those individuals is another person helping them navigate appointments, treatments, medications, insurance, transportation, household responsibilities and daily life. A spouse may gradually become a caregiver. Adult children may begin helping parents whose health has declined. Families who survived one crisis can find themselves navigating another decades later. This is one of the reasons I believe we need to expand the way we think about major events. We often recognize the person who becomes sick without recognizing the family system that changes around that illness. When someone's health changes, life can change for everyone who loves them.

A Generation That Knows September 11 Only as History

There is another remarkable reality about this anniversary: millions of adults living today were not yet born on September 11, 2001. For them, September 11 is history; but for others, it is memory -- that distinction matters. Those of us who remember that morning have an opportunity to tell younger generations more than the chronology of what happened. We can tell them about the humanity that followed: how people helped strangers and neighbors checked on neighbors ... how volunteers showed up, and communities gathered ... how people donated blood, food, money, supplies and time; and there were countless acts of courage that never appeared on television. We should also tell the more complicated stories that became clearer with time: the long-term illnesses, the mental health consequences, the caregivers, the families still grieving and the people who have spent decades advocating for survivors and responders to receive the care they need. Remembering history means remembering what happened. Learning from history means asking what it can teach us about how we live now.

What September 11 Teaches Us About Life's Roadmap

Much of my work through The Life Strategies is built around a simple reality: life doesn't come with a roadmap. We make plans because planning matters. We imagine careers, relationships, retirement, family milestones and futures we hope to experience. Then sometimes life changes the route, and September 11 changed millions of routes at once. Most of us will never experience an event of that magnitude personally. Nearly all of us, however, will eventually encounter a day that divides our lives into a before and an after: a diagnosis, a death, a caregiving responsibility, a divorce, a job loss, a move, a retirement, a child leaving home, an unexpected opportunity, a dream that ends, or a new dream that begins. When that happens, the question isn't always, "How do I get my old life back?" Sometimes the more useful questions are these:

• Where am I now?

• What has changed?

• What matters most in this season?

• What support do I need?

• What is the next step I can actually take from here?
  

Those questions cannot erase what happened. A roadmap isn't supposed to erase the road you've already traveled, it helps you determine where you go from here.

Remembering by the Way We Live

Twenty-five years later, there will be ceremonies today. Names will be read, bells will ring, and families will gather. People will visit memorials and gravesites, while others will remember quietly wherever they happen to be. This year, the National September 11 Memorial is also recognizing those who have died from illnesses related to toxic exposure following the attacks, another reminder that the consequences of that day continue. Perhaps one of the most meaningful things we can do after remembering those who died is to remember those who are still living with what happened: the survivor, the widow or widower, the person undergoing cancer treatment, the firefighter whose body can no longer do what it once did, the adult child helping a parent, the person still struggling with memories they cannot erase, and the family celebrating milestones while noticing who isn't sitting at the table. Perhaps we can also allow their experiences to teach us something about our own lives. Take time to call someone you love, make the memory, or have the conversation you've been postponing. Prepare for the season you know will eventually come. Help someone who is carrying more than you realized. Give yourself permission to acknowledge when life has changed rather than pretending that it hasn't. When someone else's roadmap suddenly changes, don't assume that because the event has passed, their transition has passed with it. Sometimes the most important thing we can offer another person is our willingness to walk beside them for part of the road.

Twenty-five years after September 11, we remember those whose lives ended that day. We honor those who ran toward danger, and we recognize those who survived. We acknowledge those who are still living with its consequences, and we remember the caregivers and families whose lives changed alongside theirs. We also carry forward one of life's most difficult lessons: We cannot always choose what changes our roadmap, but with faith, hope, love, preparation and the support of others, we can continue finding our way forward.

Never forget. And never stop caring for the people who are still carrying the story.


Michelle

Michelle R. Jones
Author & Holistic Life Journey Coach
Founder, The Life Strategies